Derek saison 2 Episode 5
Derek : "Geoff said pets aren't allowed in heaven 'cause they've got no souls. If that's true, I don't want to go. I'll go where the pets are."

Derek saison 1 Episode 6
Dougie : "From the moment you're born,
from the moment your head pops out, someone gives you a slap, you know, to make you cry, cos that's how they know you're alive. You cry. And then that's it, isn't it, for the next 70 or 80 years.
That's what life is - someone giving you a slapping and a load of crying."

Derek saison 1 Episode 6
Gerald : "No, she doesn't always know me...but I look forward to seeing her every day. She's still the same person. And every day I introduce myself and we get to know each other
all over again. I'm lucky. Who else gets to fall in love 365 times a year?"

Derek saison 1 Episode 6
Dougie : "I'll tell you why I'm here. Cos when I was a little sperm, I won the race to the egg. That's why I'm here, that's what life's about. You know, that was the last thing I won as well."

Derek saison 1 Episode 2
Derek : "50 years old. I can't believe it. I can't believe I'm 50."
Old man : "Well, 50's young. I mean, 50's the new 40. 60's the new 50, then 70's the new 60."
Derek : "What's 80?"
Dougie : "80's still 80, you're fucked."

Derek saison 1 Episode 1
Inspector : "So what did you do to land yourself in here?"
Mick : "Threw something in my neighbour's skip."
Hannah : "See, it's never anything that bad."
Inspector : "What, and he called the police? What did you throw in there?"
Mick : "His wife, she was doing my fucking head in."